When Justin and I were backpacking through Israel we met an interesting person. He was some American dude, apparently a musical genius but VERY American (read: self centered, egotistical, frustrating bastard). It’s a bit hard to explain why I detested him so much. It’d best described through this one incident.
A bunch of us from the Hostel migrated down to the old city. We trampled through rivers of icy water, counting the twisted wreckages of umbrellas as we went. It was a very uncomfortable but very fun day. Jerusalum only experiences snow fall every 5 or 10 years, so most of the stores were closed. This American was complaining about the weather and how miserable everything was, then he found a store, “here, here, take of photo of me bartering with this guy! face book!” he smiled. He got his friend to take the photo a few times to make sure he looked perfect, and then raved about how jealous all his friends would be. “It looks like I’m having heaps of fun. I’m not. the weathers crap, but they dont know that.”
How twisted is that? More important than actually having a good time, is having other people THINK you are having a good time. Spending more time thinking about what other people are thinking about you, than just living in the moment. It isnt healthy or cool to derive that much satisfaction from others jealousy.
I really hate that vainity. And I’ve seen it in alot of people. The way they have private jokes and recall funny storys, i can tell they are (maybe even subconsciously?) more interested in makeing the people around them BELIVE that they have had SOOOO much fun, than actually haveing fun for real.
My mother told me something that I belive to be an eternal truth. The things you dislike most about other poeple, are the things you dislike most about yourself. Whenever something gets on my nerves, i try to remember to turn introspective and see if I display that habit or trait myself.
Lately I’ve been really coinsious of what others think about me. Maybe it’s because I’ve hung out with a few key people these last few weeks who seem to have a few interesting dramas happening in their lives, and being a good freind, I have shown alot of interest in their affairs and somehow ended up feeling like a boring leech who lives off other people. I am Jealous and I wish I knew how to control that emotion, I wish I could turn that switch off, but nobody wrote that one in the manual.
I have done some things so that I will be able to tell people I have done them, rather for the sake of just doing it and enjoying it. Example: Tuesday night I slept on the verandah, because there were really beautiful stars and it was a wonderful spontanious thing to do, it was also a cold and hard thing to do and i probably wouldnt have done it if i haddent of been thinking of people reactions when i tell them about my crazy wildness.
I have been thinking about my hair, and how I look - which is a horrible trap to fall into. Also i find myself trying to magnify my own emotions. Honestly, my life has no real dramas. I am not in love with anybody and nobody is in love with me. I don’t have any “issues”. But its almsot as if i have been trying to fool myself into beliving that i do have serious problems.
I am a happy person. I am a relitivly together person. I am not screwed up. I am not depressed. I do not want to run into the night becuase I just cant take this whirlwind reality any longer. But I have been trying to convince myself that i am these things. I have been wanting a romantic acquaintance, which i know is a really destructive thing to crave - Especially if you want to be a free spirit, un-tethered to the earth. That means no partners, pets or pot plants - as few physical objects as possible and just as few obligations.
(actually, that is a lie, more than romance, I am craving other people to THINK I have a romance. to TALK about me when I am not in the room. for my life to be a bit of a soap opera. “oh my gosh, are you dateing *****”). wouldn’t that be wonderful, to always be on peoples lips? for people to think you are interesting? For people to be jealous of me instead of me being jealous of them. to be in the center, in the spot light.
I know that craving attention is one of my biggest weaknesses. But just like any sort of lust, lusting after attention, clothes, objects, your own appearance, certain people, self image, power, money, sex. That sort of craving can NEVER be satisfied. That lust/greed/selfishness is like a monster that lives inside of you. I crave attention, so if I feed it attention will the cravings stop? no. By feeding the monster it just grows stronger and more powerful. You have to starve it off.
Also I have decided that self-pity is a sin. And that i have no right so be complaining or disatisfied. That is ungratefulness and it is lying. I am more than satisified with the hand fate has delt me. Love has been kind to me. Life has been good to me.
“Your grace is sufficient for me.” Somehow I have to figure out what that means and how I can be satisfied with God’s grace, rather than all this other stuff I am craving, all these impersonations of authentic love. It will be interesting, but the bible says we should revel in hardships and crap stuff because that is the only way you can grow and blossom into the perfect version of you. So I am happy I am experiencing these things because I feel confident that I will be able to put this puzzle together.
Stumble it!